There is a difference between “fall in love” and “to love”.

When two people fall in love it simply just happens. To love is different. It takes work, tears, frustrations, irritations, fights, laughter, and conversations….. To love, doesn’t just happen. You make it happen.

KICK YOUR PARENTS OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM.

A couple of years ago while I was teaching a meditation retreat in the majestic jungle of Costa Rica, I found the most cute baby sloth. Sloths are monkey like creatures that live on the top of trees. They are extremely docile and they like to move extremely sloooow. This little baby sloth had fallen from the tree and he was in danger because some predator might be interested in having it for lunch. We called the local sloth rescue right away because sloths at a young age can not live without the teachings of the mother. They do not know what to eat and how to behave alone in the jungle.

This made me think of us humans because unlike most of other animals we are completely dependent on our parents for many years. Physiologically it takes 4-7 years for us to be completely developed and in terms of being fully self-sustaining now days takes 17 years. As children we are very spoiled since we can not take care of ourselves we get constant round the clock attention from our parents. They change our dippers, they feed us, they help us to go to sleep, they clothe us etc etc.

The problem starts when we become more and more self-sufficient and we start missing all the concerns and attention we once received from our parents for just about everything. At this point the child ego start suffering and realizes that he or she is not the center of the world. At this point we begin a search to become the center of the world again and try to find self-worth by getting attention in all kind of ways. This continues for most of our lives by constantly begging for recognition in one way or the other. This process unconsciously creates a hidden resentment toward our parents and disempowers us by making us victims because we feel attention deprived.

This is often why a woman will end up marrying her father and a man will marry his mother. Because we want that love and full attention back. This is not healthy at all because as you marry one of your parents your love will be very immature and focused on what you can get from the other person. When you don’t get this the old wound of being abandoned for just growing up will open up and create a series of problems.

The deep psychological meaning of the commandment “honor/respect your mother and father” is an invitation to make peace with our parents before we start any relationship so our love can be a more adult and healthy love. This is why most of western psycho analysis is focused on resolving the problems that exist between you and your parents because once you resolve that conflict you might have more of a chance of picking the right lover.

Your father and mother psychologically represent indirectly all the male and female gender. Men, if you have issues with your mother you will have issues with your wife and women, if you have issues with your father you will have issues with your husband. Most of the issues in relationships such as jealousy, distrusts, anger etc, are problems that are not in the relationship but problems you brought into the relationship. You see hundreds of problems in relationships is falling to recognize that the problem is you and not your partner.

To find healing is not very easy because the whole process is quite unconscious. However it is possible to find the freedom you deserve. To heal we must achieve a certain level of awareness and find a different kind of love that is self-sustaining and springs from within yourself. You must stop looking for love outside yourself and find what Antony Robbins call the “power within.” I believe what he really means is “love within.” Once you find this the pattern of attracting the same type of man or woman will cease and that is when the true ambrosia of intimacy will appear.

I believe future generations will have more of a chance than us in regards to love. In our generation for the first time we rebelled and dared to work on ourselves to find out what is missing in relationships. That is why there are so many single people now days because they are “working on it.” Hopefully this work will create a strong foundation so our children will be able to share love for each other in a healed and healthier way.